hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
