before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
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