yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
