he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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