You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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