I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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