Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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