If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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