Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize