Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
