my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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