Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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