trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
