Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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