I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
This is my gift to your gina
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
