Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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