I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
there's paper in my vomit.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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