i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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