I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
