k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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