I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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