his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
