I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
