He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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