I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
