if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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