My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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