Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
