it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
