So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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