it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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