When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
