I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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