i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
