I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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