the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
