If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
