i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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