I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize