when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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