Cold hands, warm shart.
I am midnight drunk by noon
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
