Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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