We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
