My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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