How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
