made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
God, I missed his penis.
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