he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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