I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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