so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
