Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
