Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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