She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
