he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
