How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize