im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
