Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he told me I talked like a deaf person
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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