Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Randomize
