thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
