I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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