We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
