Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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