a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
