I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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