Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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