I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
