She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
