everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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